Is there more in a handshake?

I work in a support environment which means people have problems, they raise this as an issue and then I go to fix it. Then, they have another problem, they raise this as an issue and I go to fix it again and this goes on ,and on, and on, ariston (you gotta be around in the 80's to the get the ariston tv advert reference). So, the other day I was fulfilling my role in this little circle of life in the support world when an issue gets raised to help set up a new PC.

I rock up at this fella’s desk and I introduce myself and he shakes my hand, which is not a very common occurrence in my role (normally the people I see are already rolling about the floor banging their hands and kicking their feet when I turn up) but does happen from time to time. I help set the PC up for the guy and he is making small talk as I do this and I’m all done and dusted within 10 minutes.

Naturally, I have done such a good job and the guy starts to thank me as I collect my blackberry and gather my papers and goes to shake my hand. So I extend my hand and shake the fella’s hand and it was at this point he says to me "I think you should make a trip to the men's room". Now I am taken aback by this and a hundred and one thoughts are running through my mind, like oh my god is this guy propositioning me or something? Does he think I am gay? Am I that good looking that even guy's are fancying me now? Dammmmm. Now I am not homophobic or anything but I was really starting to panic simply because I am not normally in these situations or attract this kind of attention. So I’m standing there sweating and what’s making things worse is this guy is still holding onto my hand for what must be seconds now seems like an eternity! The only rationale that comes to my mind is that I must of misheard him, so I reply "errrrrr, sorry?" and he then replies but in a sterner and clearer voice "I think you should make a trip to the men's room!"

Now I am really starting to panic and for god sake why is he is still holding onto my hand? OK so my mind is racing now am I am thinking I just going to have to break this death lock handshake he has on me and run, probably right through the wall leaving a perfect silhouette of my body behind me! And then just as I think this could not get any worse the guy starts reaching down to his crouch and gesturing with his hand and that when I decided enough was enough. I snatch my hand back and mumble in a flustered way "I’ve got to go!" When he stopped me and said "James, your flies are undone" hmmm guess I ain't as hot as I think, but what a weird way to tell someone their flies are undone!!!

Ikea - how that store stole 3 hours of my life!

Ok, it's been a crap week! Work has been errr, to use a better word, shit. My head is pounding from the drinking games of Friday night, not sure why we needed to disguise the fact that it is the end of the week and we just want to get pissed with the pretence of games, who knows but the after effects were in full effect. So I am pulling myself out of bed and it dawns on me, I had told my Mum I would take her to Ikea, by time I had got up she was washed dressed and ready to rock'n'roll and there was no backing out now.

I run through the 3 S's quick time, drop 2 Nurofen for the Moondance going on in my head, bundled Mum in the car, not before we spend 20 minutes looking for her woolly hat. Not the black shinny one, cause its to shinny, nor the black non-shinny one, cause that makes her head itchy (best to save that for a day where one would want to wear a itchy hat...hmmm..) but the black non-shinny non-itchy black hat and then head off to Ikea.. That's where the real fun begun....

Firstly, have you ever had the idea that your going to pop down the shops and nip in do what you have to do, bish bash bosh you and on your way home! But the reality is that it will never ever work out that way unless a natural catastrophe has happened and wiped out the rest of mankind, or something to that effect. Sod laws is ‘when you’re in a rush and wana get in and out of the shops every other living soul wants to take a wonder down the same soddin shops as you do!’

So we get to Ikea and spend 25 minutes in the car park missing every spot to the car in front of us and ending up parking in the spot that I ignored in the first place cause I was sure I could get one 5 minutes walk closer, (good idea in practice, as long as you don't spend half a hour looking for that holy grail off a car spot in the first place). Now as soon as we enter Ikea my mum turns into a Tasmanian devil gathering momentum in every stride. All signs of old age seem to have disappeared and it slowly dawns on me that Ikea appears to be my mother's Elixir and I am in for a long ride.

In fairness I should be used to my mum's shopping habits but the Ikea store designers over in Sweden must be absolute Mensa Genius's cause those big glowing brained Swedes have turned their stores into a giant human rubrics cube... The place is like a flipping maze, no correction, a labyrinth. With every corner I took I expected a screaming Minitore , dressed in a yellow pinny, to jump out with a box of multicoloured bowls which are 10 for 5p. As I worked and navigated my mother through this hellish maze, stopping every 10 paces to calls of my mum; "Jamie look at these bowls", "Son wait, look at this bread bin", "James looks at these candles" now come on, what the hell do we did candles for, was that not the point if Electricity!

I did noticed that every one seems to follow this set route through Ikea, kinda like a this "yellow brick road", I called this "yellow brick road syndrome" or “YBRS” and unfortunately I was a suffering from this YBRS quite severely. The extend of my illness only came to light when I noticed we had walked trough the kitchen area into bathrooms, through into lounge then into Kitchen’s then through the Storage area which lead us to Market Place then Textiles then into Kitchen’s……. Hang on, do I detect a pattern here, as the saying goes "all road lead to Rome”, in Ikea it appears all roads lead to bloody Kitchens. Being the nonconformist that I am, I decided it was time to break away from the crowd and it was now that I noticed these small side exits that cut out huge portions of the "yellow brick road route", we weaved through the crowd cutting through these magical secrets passage ways (thinking to myself that I should invest in ones of those child straps for my mum), only to find myself back at the kitchen section it was at this point I fell to my knees look up to the skies and cried "why god oh why” and then proceeded to weep!

It was here that I was at my lowest and just needed a sign, any sign would do and it came in the form of a well a store map, funny that. Yes, yes I know I should have really have noticed these before but in my defence but I was sporting a hangover and was suffering from the "YBRS" not to mention by now my mum had also showed me all 30, 000 items Ikea stock (giving reference to how much we need them and how they could fit in our home). So 2 wrong turns and one right turn later we found ourselves in sight of the checkouts (well it weren’t actually a sight of them it was a sign saying checkouts, little do they tell you that you have to wonder around their warehouse for 20 mins before you stumble upon their hidden checkouts) and I could almost smell victory, well it was the smell of the hot dog stand behind the tills but you get the idea.

3 hours later my mum and I leave Ikea with a hot dog in one hand and a shopping bag in the other (funnily enough containing 10 multicoloured bowls which we picked up for 5 pence), I vow to myself never to return to this home furnishings hell hole when my Mum turns to me and says "I really like that Venetian style kitchen, I think we will come back next week and order one, we need a new kitchen". Damn you big brained Swedes damn you to furniture hell!